What do cowboy and cowgirl mean in polyamory?

A cowboy is a man and a cowgirl a woman, and both words describe the same behaviour: a monogamous person who gets involved with someone who has told them they are polyamorous and tries to change that. Mistress Matisse’s 2010 column in The Stranger defines the slang as a monogamous person who “becomes romantically involved” with someone who openly identifies as polyamorous and “attempts to cut them out of the herd, meaning: persuade them to sever existing relationships and embrace monogamy”, then adds a sentence worth quoting whole: “This term is not a compliment.”

The metaphor is the whole picture: the polyamorous person’s existing relationships are the herd, and the cowboy or cowgirl wants to rope one animal out of it. Psychology Today’s 2017 article on the same subject describes a person aiming to “steal one of the poly partners away for a monogamous relationship,” explaining that “they are trying to rope someone in and drag them away from the rest of the herd.” The same piece names the reverse case — a polyamorous person trying to recruit a monogamous person away from their partner — as “relationship rustling”, a reminder that the vocabulary describes behaviour rather than one side of the fence.

What the term is not is a synonym for monogamy, or for every monogamous person who dates someone polyamorous. Both definitions centre the intent to convert: someone who is monogamous, knows their partner is polyamorous, and does not try to change that is not who these sources describe — that arrangement has its own vocabulary, mono/poly, and its own work, which is communication rather than conversion. The label points at an attempt to alter a partner’s relationships, not at the structure someone arrived with.

Used about oneself, the word is criticism of an approach rather than a verdict on a person. The honest version of the conversation is not “you are a cowboy” but “we want different structures, and neither of us should be trying to convert the other” — and it belongs before a relationship deepens rather than after. If you are monogamous and drawn to someone polyamorous, say what you want and let them answer it; if you are polyamorous and seeing someone monogamous, “they will come around” is a plan nobody has agreed to. Consent to a structure means both people knowingly choose it; the answers on setting rules as a couple and on DADT cover the agreements that come next.

The words are community vocabulary rather than clinical terms, and the swinging-for-beginners guide lists cowboy/cowgirl among the words worth knowing before you meet anyone — this answer is the definition that list leaves out. The glossary covers the related terms, and the ethical non-monogamy guide covers how the different structures fit together. JoinTheSwing is pre-launch: new registration remains closed until the coordinated native-app release is approved, and the public answers library and free launch list are open meanwhile.