What is a yes/no/maybe list?

A yes/no/maybe list is a private list of activities, situations or kinds of contact, sorted into three columns. Yes means welcome, No means a firm limit, and Maybe means the person is unsure, needs more information, or would consider it under conditions they have not settled yet. It is a planning tool, not a contract: the point is to surface differences before anyone is in a pressured moment, and to give two people something concrete to talk about instead of guessing.

The method is simple, and the order matters. Each person fills in their own list first, alone, without seeing the other’s answers. Then they compare. Doing it separately prevents one person’s list from anchoring the other’s, and it makes a No easier to write because it was not written in front of an audience. Keep the list private — it describes intimate interests, and it is not something to share with friends, a group chat or a venue. The glossary entry for the yes/no/maybe list sets out the same three states.

The list is most useful when the items are specific. “Group play” is too broad to agree to; “same-room play with another couple, condoms for penetrative sex, no separate rooms” is something two people can actually discuss. Write down the conditions that would move a Maybe toward a Yes — with whom, where, after what conversation, with what protection — and write down what a No covers even in the moment. A No needs no justification, and a Maybe is not a yes that needs persuading.

What the list cannot do is consent for you. A Yes on paper is not a yes in the room, and it can be withdrawn at any time; a Maybe is a prompt for a conversation, not a standing permission; a No does not expire because a partner is disappointed. The list is also not a scorecard or a compatibility test. Two people can have very different lists and still be compatible, and two people can have identical lists and still need to check in. The answers on consent and on hard and soft limits cover the standards that sit underneath it.

Use it as a living document. Revisit it after an experience, when circumstances change, or when someone notices that a Yes has become a Maybe. The most common mistakes are treating a Maybe as permission, using the list to pressure someone toward a Yes, assuming a Yes from last year applies today, and sharing someone else’s list without their agreement. Kept private and revisited honestly, it is one of the least dramatic ways to make a difficult conversation easier. JoinTheSwing is pre-launch: new registration remains closed until the coordinated native-app release is approved, and the public answers library and free launch list are open meanwhile.